Christian Jokes

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,
"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

A flood was on its way, forcing everyone to evacuate. The police rowed up to the most pious woman in town and said, "Ma'am, you have to leave this house! People are dying out here!"

      The woman replied, "No, I'm not leaving. God has always helped me before, and He will do it again."

      So as the water started to rise, she went to the second story of her house. Another boat came by, and the captain yelled, "Ma'am, you have to get on this boat or you're going to drown!"

      The woman replied again, "No, God helped me before, and He will do it again."

      The water rose even higher. This time she went to the top of the roof, where a helicopter came and hovered overhead. The pilot called into his loudspeaker, "Please climb aboard, ma'am. You are going to drown!"

      The women sniffed and again replied, "God is going to save me!"

      But the water rose higher, and soon she drowned to death. She went to Heaven, and there she asked God, "Why didn't you save me, O Lord?"

      And God replied, "I did help--I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

A priest, an evangelist, and a minister were in a row boat in the middle of a pond fishing. None of them had caught anything all morning.

      Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He comes back ten minutes later the same way.

      Then the minister decides he needs to go to the bathroom, too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He, too, comes back the same way ten minutes later.

      The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he can walk on water, too. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out, he makes a big splash down into the water.

      The evangelist looks at the minister and says,"I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were."

                 The healthy lives
Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.

      As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!"

      "Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner."

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

      "Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

      "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

      "Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

      "Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

      "One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

      "Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

      "TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

      "Come on in!"

A much loved-minister of God once carried a secret burden of long- past sin deep in his heart. He had committed the sin many years before, during his Bible school training. No one knew what he had done, but they did know he had repented. Even so, he had suffered years of remorse over the incident without any sense of God's forgiveness.

      A woman in his church deeply loved God and claimed to have visions in which Jesus Christ spoke to her. The minister, skeptical of her claims, asked her, "The next time you speak to the Lord, would you please ask Him what sin your minister committed while he was in Bible school." The woman kindly agreed.

      When she came to the church a few days later the minister asked, "Did He visit you?" She said, "Yes."

      "And did you ask Him what sin I committed?"

      "Yes, I asked Him," she replied

      "Well, what did He say?"

      "He said, 'I don't remember.'"

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.

      If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

      Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

      Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

      Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.

      Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

      Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

      Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

      Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!

A Sunday school teacher was asking her students some questions after a series of lessons on God's omnipotence. She asked, "Is there anything God can't do?"

      All was silent. Finally, one boy held up his hand.

      The teacher, on seeing this, was disappointed that they had missed the point of the lesson. She sighed and asked, "Well, what is it you think God can't do?"

      The boy replied, "He can't please everybody."

A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

      'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

      The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

      'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

      Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

      'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

      'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

      "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

      "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

      Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

      Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

      Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've
been married to your sister for 25 years."

Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers.

      Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business.

      Blessed are those who are touchy. Soon they will stop going to church ~ verily, they shall be my missionaries.

      Blessed are those who sow gossip and trouble ~ they are my beloved children.

      Blessed are those who have no time to pray ~ for they MY prey.

      Blessed are those who gossip ~ for they are my secret agents.

      Blessed are you when you read this and think it has everything to do with other people, and nothing to do with you. ~ I've got room for YOU at my inn

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

      "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

      "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

      The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

      "Preacher," said the young man, "I'm sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

      The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Johnny, a very bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"

      Johnny responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.

      He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Johnny quit praying. After another month, Johnny's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Johnny's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!

      Johnny's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"

      Johnny hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"

The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills.

      He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"

      The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

      The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

      She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.

      They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."

      When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."

      The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.

      The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?"

      The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

In Budapest, a man goes to the pastor and complains, "Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?"

      The pastor answers, "Take your goat into the room with you."

      The man in incredulous, but the pastor insists. "Do as I say and come back in a week."

      A week later the man comes back looking more distraught than before. "We cannot stand it," he tells the pastor. "The goat is filthy."

      The pastor then tells him, "Go home and let the goat out. And come back in a week."

      A radiant man returns to the pastor a week later, exclaiming, "Life is beautiful. We enjoy every minute of it now that there's no goat-- only the nine of us.